camilleisme's Blog

 Im tired of living this lie idk which way I am going anymore.  Its been a long time since I been on EP, but it reminds me why I came here to begin with.  To post and share anonymously and meet neat people without really meeting them.  Over the past few months I've tried getting out there more and all that other jive, but its just not for me.  I really wish it was I'd like to meet some nice new people. I guess the truth of the matter is that I really don't know what I want or who I am.  It really is scary if you've never experienced that kind of stuff before. Oh well I just wanted to get a few things off my chest. Sorry sometimes it comes out as an unorganized rant.

So every one has cancelled on me and im going to mecha by myself.  I wish I could say Im gonna go and just enjoy myself but I srsly doubt it.  I was really looking forward to this but like everything it becomes a pile of epic fail.  People wonder why i never like to leave the house or try to do anything well this is why. IF there was just one victory i would'nt find it do pointlesss to be optimistic.

well I'm gonna go by myself wish me a good time i'll hope but not expect it to happen. At least I'll get to drive a Mecha lol (^_^) maybe its not all bad lol

Yes saturday I am going to Mechacon.  Ive been waiting a while for this everything turned out pretty good, despite misplacing $2500, Im in a decent mood.  I'll find it. It has to be in here somewhere.  Also I'm quite irritated I have to be in-charge of such incompetent people. I have to pretty much do things myself to get them done.  Saturday will be great though far away from here with all the right things aligning perfectly.  (^/^)  Good nite guys (^_^)

Here I am involved in the same relationship I was involved in before.  I really like to think things will be different this time. I'm not sure about it though.  I feel liek like I'm just someone kept around: a)because i really am unique, and b)they are in between relationships.  I feel so strongly that I really dont care if I'm being used.  Though it does makes me a bit sad to think about it. I reallly dont know what else to say about it. I just kinda had to put it out there. Over here in my "real life" I have to act all cool about it so I dont look like fool.  Oh well ta ta for now.

-Camille

Its been a while since I've blogged.  Ive been quite busy lately, with work, play, and study.  I've been feeling really positive lately I think I'm gonna keep it this way I'm starting to like it. I've decided I'm not gonna do things that displease me anymore and so far its been working pretty great. I mean theres inconveniences here and there but they are merely a means to an end.  Well I wish I could elaborate on my graet mood but... well i just won't/can't haha b/c it would displease me to do so LOL XD.

Well monday I come home and realize that a power outage has just messed up my computer.  Because of all the terrible things that keep happening, all the money I managed to save over the past month has dwindled back down to nothing. This means I cant buy a new one. Well Ive always been persistent and since its the only thing I have I decided to fix it myself.  Im pretty good with this sort of thing and new my power supply was the problem.  Once again I thought, "hey I've fixed it before". This time it threw sparks so I knew it was done.  Luckily yesterday I found the one hole-in-a-wall shop in this area that would sell me a power supply.  So alls well that ends in the well.  I threw that sucker in last night and am back to surfing the web and revelling in my victory.  So I am feeling pretty accomplished for the first time in a while. Yay for me (^_^)

Well its Valentines Day and I just had my heart broken at the beginning of the week, and to think a little over a month ago I was really looking forward to it. Meh I don't care really. I wouldn't even be thinking about it if the wounds were'nt so fresh.  Any way on with the day I guess you never know what might be waiting around the corner.  (^_^)

Today I guess I learned the truth about everything.  I knew I wouldn't like it but am glad to have it. I guess I was wrong and there is no "logical" reason they just aren't attracted to me.  I should have figured I am jinxed, I always knew it.  I am reaffirmed that the cold path I walk is meant for me.  Some of us are just meant to be alone. I take relief its so much easier and less risky than being here but its so painful at times.  The numbing pain that once I get in tune with it again it will be my medicine it will temper my focus.  I must focus on the self.  I just don't know how to take it I am a very cold and distant person and despite all my efforts I just can't seem to cross over to here where all you social butterflys frolic from flower to flower.  I just don't know why I want to be part of it and at the same time I don't.  I felt this way for so long the internal struggle must cease I have to submit to one.  I really want to cry but I can't.  I feel like the bad guy. I just don't know what I will do next every option seems so bleak. PLEASE anyone who reads this if you think you have ANY advice that will make it easier for me please give it.  I feel so fallen and helpless.

I really gets me sometimes, but I forgive the less experienced I guess.   For those of you who read "The Confrontation" I'm talking about this person in particular.  I made promises to teach them and they became sort of an apprentice of mine.  I really enjoy the teaching experience, but I have one rule of anyone who seeks such of me, especially someone who desires to be my protege. That is do not lie to me. I'm pretty forgiving of anything as long as the offender is immediately honest with me.  Lying is stupid, bottom line.  The truth is inevitable and your only delaying it.  I won't go into details but my student lied about something very serious, and I found out about it right away.  I didn't confront them right away because I wanted to see how long they would keep up the charade.  Well, I had to confront because it seemed as though they were adamant about this lie.  It makes me have so much rage.  I held alot of it in but now that its all out there I feel free to vent.  I mean I am so mad about it, I get red all over when I think about it.  Today my student called up to schedule our next lesson.  I'm not looking forward to it, but I don't want to lose thier friendship.  I think eventually I will get over it but I tend to hold a grudge.  I felt like "you had the audacity to call me so soon, you must not know me well".  I set up the lesson just to keep the peace. I know its best, and I need to learn to be more forgiving.  I hope everyones blessings are with me because I will need them.  What makes you guys really angry? I'll probably join a group about it now that I think about it, but why not just post it here, lets rage together. lol

Well I finally confronted someone I had really been holding my tongue around. It felt really good, I really hope our friendship is not affected but what's important is that I feel good. I'm trying to let this be the new me, not so secretive.  Even the fact that I've made two blogs public is leaps and bounds to me, because even on the internet I feel very shy.  I want to share in the world with everyone and if I don't I have only myself to blame.  

Any how, I'm glad I did it usually I would just be very passive aggressive till they'd know I hate them and leave me alone for good.  I didn't want this to go that way, but now I feel really good.  Now its thier turn to be the better person.  

I still feel shy as a person but I think I'm doing well in "getting out there". Anybody here suffer from being really shy? Send me a message I know it gets lonely. Thanks guys! :)

I hate when this happens its why I went so long avoiding relationships. Why can people be honest with thier feelings. I am always honest with my feelings. Don't people understand that if I reveal my true feelings and they don't its unfair to me. Its like stealing information I may have kept to myself if they hadn't lied to me. Whenever it happens I feel so violated. It makes me not want to trust the world around me. Who will be the next liar? Maybe you or you or you. Then after the fact its too late. You can't take what you said back and the truth on thier behalf is in the past and asking about it is seen as dredging up something unnecessary. They're cheating!(at life) Its so unfair! Maybe I should join all the liars? Well too bad I can't live surrounded by lies. I'm so put off right now. Everytime I reacjh a point in life where I feel comfortable engaging with new people I  meet one of these liars, and its like I want nothing to do with the world all over again. If you've ever felt like this please comment. It would be nice to know I'm not alone and am normal in feeling like this.